Monday, April 27, 2009

What if this were the last memory?

Lately I've caught myself so busy or tired as I put my babies in car seats or to bed that I'm in a hurry to get it done and can just want them to sit and let me strap them in or sneak out without having to sit and read. Its something that has grieved my heart. Lately I believe that God has been nudging me with the question, "What if this were the last memory?" It brings tears of shame to my eyes to think that if something happened and my Father called me home I would stand before Him knowing that my babies' last memory of me is a rushed frazzled mama telling them to just sit still or giving them a few quick kisses and groaning at their request for me to read or even worse to pray with them. The vice verse of the situation is terrible too. How awful to think that I want them to serve God so much but can feel that there is anything that could require my attention more at that moment than showing them that nothing holds more value than spending time with them in the presence of our Father!
As the Lord has brought it to my attention I catch myself putting them in their seats or any other routine in our day as times that I should lavish kisses and words of life to my precious children. Tati is going through a stage, that started about a week ago, where she follows me everywhere, and I mean everywhere! She is literally my shadow. If I'm brushing my teeth she is sitting on the counter next to the sink, if I'm nursing she figures the best way to tuck herself close to AJ and me, if I'm working in the kitchen it takes a second before you hear a chair dragging to position herself next to me. After 2 days of this I finally asked her, "Tati, what are you doing?" She looked at me with eyes so full of love and admiration that I could never begin to deserve and said, "Mama, I just want to stay close to you." How can I ever live to deserve such love? I didn't know what to respond, she made me cry.
Although its embarrassing to admit how terrible I am (lol) I know that God is working in me to give me the heart that I want for my children, they are my treasures, the only eternal rewards I possess on earth now. So now when Bethani is wiggling in her car seat and laughing that I can't buckle her instead of looking at my watch, I look into her joyous eyes that are so full of life and laughter, and when Tati is literally on me, I look at the deep love and devotion in her that I should feel for God, and when AJ wakes up at 3 in the morning, I look into his eyes that are so sweet in gratitude and humility that they are mine and for only a short time so I'm not going to take them for granted.
Today I was introduced to Maddie, a little girl that was loved in the short time her parents had her for and will always be loved in her abscense from them. Her parents made a speech for March of dimes and here is a paragraph that touched my heart with what God has been working in me: "Because her lungs were so premature, she required multiple breathing treatments per day, and often needed supplemental oxygen when she was sleeping. To Madeline, these were just minor inconveniences on her way to conquering the world. Her father and I felt blessed every day to have such a smart, loving, beautiful baby. We often would look at each other over her curly head and wonder how we got so lucky. Often, I would remember the day that my OB/GYN told me I would miscarry her. We never took our daughter for granted." I hope that you will read their story and be impacted to pray for them and love your babies like never before, you can find their speech at
Blessings and thank you for allowing my honesty and shame, I refuse to hide what God is working in me shameful as it may be for me :)

1 comment:

  1. Found you through comments on the Cloth Diaper Whisperer. I love this, and it's so what I need to hear - today especially, but every day. What a blessing! :o) Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your heart.