10 whole years

Yesterday we celebrated our 10 year anniversary and Adrian's birthday. It seems unreal that we have been married for that long. When I look at how much the Lord has done in our marriage and lives it seems that 10 years can hardly contain all that He has worked out and blessed and grown us up.

We have moved 11 times, 3 of those being to different states. We have had 3 babies and my sister has come to live with us. We have had too many fights and arguments to count that have eventually taught us to listen and communicate better and compromise.

I have learned, even though it's hard and I fail at this a lot, that if I simply submit to Adrian I'm being obedient to God and making it so much easier for my husband to lead me.

We've learned that though God never guaranteed we would never be in hard times He has never left us and He has always made His presence known with utter peace and joy.

We have learned that in spite of our best laid plans God loves to throw us curve balls in the form of moving to places we didn't imagine and babies at times that we didn't "plan", and to laugh with the Father at the thought that we are in control of anything lol.

We have learned that what we need is and how to live well with that and still be generous.

We have learned what true friendship is, with each other and the deep friendships we have been gifted with others.

We have learned that despite our terrible flaws our God is willing to use us to encourage others and grow us up, because He is able and not because of anything we can do.

And we have learned that the best thing we want to teach our children is that if they embrace the Father with everything they have they will never feel anything but complete and perfect peace in spite of the storms and hardships that come because God works everything for the good of those that love Him and for the glory of His name.

Over and over and over again, we have been the beneficiaries of God's faithfulness in the huge and minute things, of His pleasure and grace, and of looking back in awe of the history He has built with us through years of provision. We are so blessed, so much more than I could ever put into words or even comprehend but I won't doubt His words or His leading because every single time he has been faithful, sometimes His answer is yes, wait, and many times it has been no - but every time it has been good. Thank you my Father for purposing us for You and for each other, help us steward out family, calling, and home well always for Your glory.

Seeking Wisdom

A year ago a few of us ladies from church decided to read a book together and have a sort of book club about it.  We did this so that we could encourage each other in further seeking to grow as wives and learn how to better disciple our children's hearts.  Three books later the group has since grown to 9 ladies from our church learning to grow in joy in the place the Lord is calling us to rise up and embrace our calling first to our family and ministries in the church.  Some of us home school, some of us plan to, some of our kids go to public school, some of us stay home, some of us work part/full time.  The love of Jesus is what binds our hearts with the same desire to serve our husbands well and encourage our children to love the Lord their God above anything else.  Its a beautiful thing, women who God has drawn together from different places of the country(ies), from all different backgrounds, who are all true sisters in the faith and just want to seek God and glorify him in obedience allowing truth to reveal to us where we are at times falling short and being encouraged by one another and held accountable.  Applying Titus 2:3-5. This is friendship.

This month we are going to begin a book entitled A Woman's Wisdom by Lydia Brownback.  We usually meet the 2nd and 4th Fridays of each month and we read one chapter per week and our husbands, very sweetly, are committed to be done with work and to keep schedules clear so that they can give us the evening off.  I would encourage if you are part of a church family and you desire to grow closer to some of the women there to seek them out and set a challenge like this for yourselves.  I have always loved to read novels so beginning to read these kinds of books was a bit difficult for me and it is wonderful to know that the other ladies are reading with me and also encouraging each other to apply what we are learning. 

I will be posting about the book that we are beginning here and what I'm learning through it, if any of you ladies want to go through the book with me I would be happy to set up a discussion chat also if there is any interest.  Comment below and let me know and please leave an e-mail where I can contact you to give you further info.  You would need to order the book or get the kindle version, just personal preference :) 

If you have read this blog at all then you know that for a long while now the Proverbs 31 woman has been on my heart as a challenge to grow and excel in the calling God has before me.  I desire wisdom and the bible says in James 5:1 "If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."  I'm trusting God's faithfulness that He will continue the work He started with redemption until the return of Jesus Christ in my life.  May it all rest at His feet and may He renew us daily to love our hubbies and babies.

Just Some Reflection Time

After 3 kids there have been many interrupted nights but the sleepless ultimately make-me-feel-I'm-going-to-lose-my-sanity times with my babies are almost gone.  The kids randomly come in at nights but not regularly and we are past night time feedings.  Its not unusual to be woken once in the night but its getting more normal not to. 

As hard as being awake for days straight was at times I cherish the memories and I thank God for dear mother-friends that recommended I embrace those times of my baby needing me.  I will never regret not sleeping for the sake of my kids wanting me and there is no party or more awesome person I would rather have been with. 

I was their complete comfort in those days and now as I look forward and see how they are more and more independent from me I thank God for the sweet expressions and cuddles.  For the moments that mommy was the comfort they sought and longed for, when their smiles and desire was all for me.  I could take care of every need they had, feed, change diaper, snuggle, kiss anything.  Were they easy days?  Not at all, they were hard, they were painful and exhausting, and sometimes by the 4th time they were up in the same hour for the 17th night in a row I wondered if I would ever sleep again. 

Being a mama has taken everything I could give and so much that only the Lord could do and provide my body the strength to for but there is no other profession that could fulfill and challenge me the way this does. 
To raise these babies along with a man who loves us so much he will work and sacrifice so that I can be home, to teach them to love God and bear the fruit of that love in the interactions they have with each other daily that will cause you to plead to the Lord for the wisdom to do so. 

It has taught me that as I have to pour out grace to my little ones because they are little but mostly because undeserved grace has been poured out on my sinful self.  It has taught me to strive to not discipline in anger or frustration but to do it because every selfish and sinful thing that comes up with our children is an opportunity to teach them their absolute need for God and His holy standard.  The Lord has been so good to teach me about the unconditional love and forgiveness and enjoying little moments through my husband and children.  Thank you for the cross and every lesson that humbles in the day. 

I pray you help me see everything with a heart that longs to glorify Your name and stand in awe of the cross and everything we have because of it.  I love You my Savior and Lord!

My Identity

My the Lord help me to daily make Proverbs 31:25-27 my prayer,
"Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks well to the ways of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness."

We have been reading this great little book in our ladies book club called Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches by Rachel Jankovic.  We joked and kidded each other about the size of the book because seriously it is about the size of one chapter of the last book we read (Family Driven Faith by Voddie Baucham).  There is something amazing about a young mother sharing her experiences and being a transparent example of learning to listen to the Lord in the very little things that we seem to disregard so much in our day to day, and sometimes there are huge lessons in those tiny moments that leave us broken and so much more grateful than ever for the sovereignty and bounty of the Father in our lives.  This little book has been a blessing and refreshing encouragement to keep on and keep focused on my Jesus.

I sometimes find myself complaining about making beds and cleaning my bathroom and, while in all honesty I just can't and don't want to imagine having to leave my kids for the day to work or send them to school, I have a hard time remembering that its all part of my service unto God first and then my family.  This is when the feelings of being under-appreciated take over and I start to see every thing as not enough, I'm not productive enough, bitterness of cleaning and having it all undone is all my despairing eyes see.

The reality is that when I re-focus myself on my Father he gives me strength to keep up the cleaning cycle with the grace to pour out on my little ones and myself when I know it will get messy again.  I love a clean house and its not an easy task but one that God is ever faithful in teaching me in, He is growing me in desiring a place of order for my tangent filled mind.  I want to learn the art of being humbled and broken by God in all the little things of my day so that He may better be glorified.  I want to enjoy cleaning diligently and with joy so that my children learn to have a heart for anything God wants them to do.  I want every word of discipline to first convict me and drive me to knees seeking these changes in my heart so that my kids welcome correction even (and especially) when it hurts.

I have known the Lord for 20 years now (yikes), and I can honestly say that I have known Him, I have loved Him and He has built up a history with me.  I was a broken and scared and mean and bitter little 11-year old when He chose to reveal himself to me and draw me unto Him.  I'm so grateful.  He gave me many dreams ans desires and sometimes I wonder why I'm so limited now than what I was as a single youth and truthfully sometimes I can fall into the thinking that misses who I used to be.  One of the chapters I was reading reminded me that when those times come I need to thank God for that, Lord, I'm not who I used to be!!!  Praise Him for that knowledge and hope.  He has brought me to new depths and where I am now is who I am.  Before I didn't know Him, now I do.  Before it was just me, now I have a husband who calls me to a higher standard in my walk with God out of love and devotion to God himself and then me.  Before I was a wife and now I am a mother called to sacrifice everyday for children that God has given me that have taught me so much about unconditional love and joy and forgiveness.  Before I prayed for a little sister that was far off living with a dad given to godlessness, now I'm able to welcome her into a family that loves God and be an example to her as much as to my littles.  And all this is because of His promise in Philippians 1:6 "And I'm sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

She says, "Who you are is where you are. ... "Now my character has some depth, some people to love, some hardships to bear. Now I have some material to work with."" (pg61, Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches)  Its so true, the work of God began on the surface of my issues has since been working its way to the depths of my heart.  I pray that as I remind myself that my identity is now daughter of the King, helper to my husband, mother to the children in my home, teacher and, yes, servant to them that I can do it well, that I can embrace it and love it and cherish all those moments that encompass it.  I pray that the delighted shrieks of my children stop setting me on edge and set me to praising God for happy kiddos.  May every time I make my bed, clean our floors for the hundredth time in the day, and make meals be a time of gratitude for the blessing of our home and the people and laughter and love that fill it. They, those people, are my calling, they are my identity.

They call me Mama...

Proverbs 31:25-31

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.

She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.

Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:

 "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all."

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but the woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.

With all the dreaming I did as I grew up of one day getting married and having a family I never realized what being a mother would truly entail. The title comes with so much it so hard to express and put into words without it sounding like a jumble of oxymorons. I had a list of all the things I would and would never do and had all the answers when it came to disciplining children and was very good at getting other people's kids to do what I wanted. 

I stopped knowing anything the day my Tati was born, she wasn't even born the way I planned! Its such an intoxicating fear that can take over when you realize they are actually sending this tiny bundle of lively little person home with you. By yourself. To keep. I felt the same way when they released me from the hospital with Bunni and then with AJ.  You love them so much and want to keep them perfectly safe and fed and healthy and then you are just feeling like you are getting the hang of it and a fever happens, or a rash, or they just refuse to sleep.  You start thinking that you will never sleep again and then they smile at you and look at you with adoration because all they know is you are Mama and Mama makes everything better.  Then they say it, they say the thing that you are waiting to hear since you meet them, they call you MA-MA! (Or na-na or ba-ba or anything else that you swear is them calling you lol) 

With my 1st, 2nd and 3rd child, every time I felt like I had received something so precious and lovely that I was sure I would buckle under the weight of it all. Its a title that asks that I put down everything I ever thought I wanted for everything I never imagined I would have, every sense of self fulfillment for the sake of shaping these little ones for the glory of the Lord.  Submitting to the conviction of that title because I know that so much of them depends on how I allow God to shape me from here on out. 

There has been so much laid down especially in recent years of what I think I want at the foot of the Father who has better for me, that has plans I can't even imagine. My hopes and wants and "needs" have all changed and I pray that I be convicted and broken every time I direct my monkeys to seek a happy heart in the Lord and a good attitude for service to each other, for them to share kind words to others and to ask God how best to handle situations.  Am I being a good example of that to them?  Am I finding my joy in all that God is instead of what I have or don't have?  Do they see me honoring God in a way that leads them to the foot of the cross?  I pray and hope that He gives me the opportunity to lead them alongside Adrian to the foot of the cross where they lay themselves down that Christ may fully live in them.  My heart is never prouder than the moments that they acknowledge God and scripture and seek to do right. Moments like when my first-born baby tells me how she dreams of going to China to share Jesus with in a nation that tries so hard to suppress Him.  Will I tell her that no matter how my heart aches I will do all I can to equip her with the faith that will accomplish just that if its what God calls her too?  I have to take hold of every opportunity to teach them, guide them, and encourage them because one day their faith will depend on them alone and they need to have a firm grip on it.

For 7 years now my life has been surrounded by first and last times.  Bitter-sweet moments, moments you want to laugh and can't because there is a giant lump in your throat and eyes full of tears.  Moments when I'm so proud of their independence and yet would give anything to hold them as newborns again and just smell them and enjoy their immobility.  Every first accomplishment is the last time they need me for that particular thing and all the while I am cheering them on in sitting up, crawling, taking steps, running, teaching them falling is part of living and they have to get back up; my heart is breaking wide open because I realize I'm cheering them right into needing me less but its also encouraging them to realize their need for God more.

The truth is they aren't mine, they are given to me for this little while to call me Mama so that I along with their Daddy can teach them about the perfect Father who loves them and has called them to glorify His name in all they do.  Help me Lord to do so, to bear the title of Mama well, for Your sake and for Your glory.

5 Spunky Years - Flown By

5 years ago last Sunday, Melissa Fisher and Dr. Saenz helped us welcome a fiery, loveable, crazy, and fiesty little girl into the world. God has blessed us with an adventure everyday, with the surprises that come from her impulse and passionate love for her Daddy, Mama, and sister and brother. She is developing the same kind of love for the Lord, she loves justice and honor, loyalty, and strives to be an inventor daily. She has trademark "crazy eyes" that she is really proud of and she makes us laugh hard everyday. There is nothing dainty about her and she is totally eclectic in what she considers fashion. We couldn't have asked for a more amazing person to be our second daughter, Tati's best friend, and AJ's body guard. Thank you Father for the 5 years of happy moments and teaching moments with this girl, help us to seek you to wisely instruct and disciple her. Develop her character, strengthen her weaknesses and give her boldness to serve you daily even now. We are so grateful for how much you have taught us through Bethani. Love you my crazy Bunni girl.

She does him good and not harm... Proverbs 31:11-12

Well, as I continue in this walk through scripture the Holy Spirit continues to convict me. I used to be so afraid of those moments of conviction, I now know that its a time of revelation of the deep and active love that the Father has for me. In His mercy he decides to embrace me and whisper to me that He loves me so much he wants me to be better so that I can know Him better. Much like the times that I remind my son that he isn't the boss in our home, the amazing thing is that when I say this to A.J. it calms him and brings him peace. When God reminds me that He is in control it frees me to trust that in all things He will work them for good and all I need to do is seek Him. He wants only His will for me and His will is GOOD.

Proverbs 31:10-11 say:
"The heart of her husband trusts in her,
and he will have no lack of gain.
She does him good, and not harm,
all the days of her life."

Wow, I would love to say that the heart of my husband trusts in me because he has proof that I only do him good and not harm. The truth is that many times out of ignorance or just rebellion and retaliation I have done him harm. Said things that weren't edifying, been hurtful and disrespectful, or just been plain selfish in getting my way. I have, many times I'm sure, been the burden that Hebrews warns not to be in chapter 13:17 - I haven't always made it a joy for my hubby to lead me. I pray with all my heart that God will change that.

The husband of the Woman Who Loves the Lord rests secure in his wife and her abilities, because she loves the Lord she will love her husband well. I went to Ephesians 5:22 says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord." Verse 21 explains that we submit to each other out of reverence for Christ, this makes it clear to me that its not because my husband will always act perfectly and love me perfectly but I need to willfully and wholeheartedly and lovingly submit in obedience to God. If I know that God loves me why would I doubt that He provided a husband that He will instruct in leading me.

I want to submit because God requires it, with a heart that is free and joyfully trusting God in all things and this attitude and faith is what will make it a joy for my husband to lead me. She is loyal and respectful, Ephesians 5:33b, "and let the wife see that she respects her husband." This role is God ordained and and should reflect the relationship that the church should have with Christ. My marriage must reflect the Gospel of Christ.

This wife carefully manages the home and the spending and won't frivolously use her husband's money or resources. She makes plenty out of little and joyfully uses what is available. My bible has a note about how this woman's husband doesn't need to lock up his possessions because he doesn't trust her.

We are slowly putting our house together, the Lord blessed us with a home last May and has poured out blessing as we have dreamed and prayed that we want it to be a place to gather and fellowship and worship and seek God as a family and with the brethren. A Mother in Christ at our church was telling me how its OK for me to require others to respect our home and the things in it out of respect and gratitude for my hubby and its true. He is working so hard daily to provide for me to care for our home and its only right that I display my gratitude in taking care of our children, our home, the items in it, because they are fruit of His submission to God in providing for me and the desires of my heart. I want my heart to be deeply grateful to him and to my God for him.

Father - help me to walk in your ways, to daily seek you and surrender to you so that when the times come where its not easy for my flesh to submit to my husband your word and truth and love for me will cause my heart to soften and obey you. Remind me that the husband I have is the husband you have blessed me with, let me see him as the precious gift he is and respect him and honor him, do him good and not harm, all the days of my life.